Spike Touched My Special Place (And I Liked It)
by nongenius
Summary: Spike and Xander find love in the midsts of an impending apocalypse.
1. Default Chapter

This story spiraled out of three things:  the idea that Spike acted on his "can't be a monster, can't be a man" statement by changing his gender, that said change was followed by a S/X scene, and that hold_that_thought requested that I write it.

As usual, I don't own these characters.  Joss Whedon does.  I just like to take them out and play with them sometimes.

This is meant to be a parody of sorts, taking place after Entropy.

******************************

Spike woke up startled.

"What the bloody hell is going on?  I keep having that dream. Why do I keep dreaming about acting like a complete wanker in a bathroom that's way too large?  Why am I always trying to force myself onto Buffy instead of biting her or killing her like the evil monster that I am – was—am.  Bullocks!  Come out you poncy bugger!"

Spike strode around his crypt searching for the exposition demon that had obviously taken residence and made him talk to himself like he was character on Passions.  

"Third one this week.  Cor I hate exposition demons.  Can't escape their power unless you get them out of your home.  There I go again, expositing useless information to myself."

Spike searched the nooks and crannies of his crypt to no avail.

"Damn thing must be in the bedroom, or what's left of it after Captain Cardboard's Courageous Comeback.    Bloody hell.  Alliteration!  The idiotic demons of the world just won't give me a bloody break!  Argh"

Spike jumped into the ruins of his once beautiful bedroom--beautiful for a being furnished by the junkyards at any rate.  

"Tons of rubbish.  It'll take me forever to find this thing.  Who knows how long it's been here.  Maybe it's responsible for that horrid dream.  What a nightmare.  And when do I ever take off my coat to go talk to the Slayer anyhow.  What kind of poofter acts that way?  I'll tell you what kind.  The kind that's chipped and in love with their enemies.  The combination of Buffy and the damn chip has left me neutered in every respect.  Can't be a monster, can't be a man.  Ah, here it is.  Time for these poncy asides to stop."

Spike had found a nest of demons beneath the ruins of his bed.  Alliteration demons, exposition demons, Freudian dream causing demons, and more.  He took extreme pleasure in kicking them all out and cursed himself for leaving his doors open.  

"Gotta get out of here while their power wears off.  I'm still expositing.  I think a walk through the graveyards might help me figure out what those dreams are trying to tell me.  Hey.  Where's my coat?"

As eerie music from the nighttime funeral, a common and very stupid occurrence in Sunnydale, found its way to Spike's crypt, he realized that he no longer had his coat.

"Just as I dreamed it.  _Bloody hell_!"

Spike stormed out of his crypt, eager to escape the horrible exposition scene he found himself in.

******************************

Xander stood in front of the mirror in a kind of numb shock.  He couldn't believe what he had just done.  

Xander hadn't been able to fully grasp what he'd learned about Spike and how many of the females in Xander's life had been willing recipients of Spike's cold, dead baby batter.  Xander hadn't understood what he was feeling. The disgust with no real aim.  The rage that was so far from truly murderous.  Buffy and Anya had stopped him, but he knew that he would have stopped himself.  Xander needed to figure out what was going on in his head.

**(Gratuitous Flashback Alert! Bad violin music plays, the edges blur, and the words "Spike's Crypt, 20 minutes ago" appear out of the ether)**

Xander went to Spike's hoping to erase the image of Anya underneath the blond vampire that was currently burned into his eyeballs, hoping it would clear Xander's mind a bit, but he wasn't prepared for the depths of clarity he was about to reach.  

Xander entered the crypt prepared for a potentially violent confrontation, but seeing Spike curled up around his bottle of Jack Daniels softened Xander's heart, hardened other parts, and sent a blur of images through his head—Spike and Xander sharing a beer and that onion thing at the Bronze; the two of them drinking and eating, two of Xander's favorite past times.  Suddenly all Xander could see were those striking cheekbones, those sculpted muscles and that billowing coat that smelled of blood and leather and cigarettes—that smelled like Spike.

Xander walked to the corner of Spike's crypt, and came out of the closet with Spike's coat.

******************************

Spike walked amongst the graveyard, feeling naked without his coat.  

"I've gone without the bloody coat before.

I suppose I can do it for a few days more.

Just a matter of time before it shows up.

What I wouldn't do right now for a cup—"

Spike paused suddenly noticing his odd speech patterns.

"Am I speaking in rhymes?

Bollocks! Of all the times!

What is this?  Flock to Spike night?

Sodding rhyming demon come out and fight!

I don't have time for this stupid scheme.

I'm still trying to work out my Freudian dream!"

Spike screamed in frustration and punched a gravestone, miraculously the one the rhyming demon was hiding behind, and killed the demon.  

"I bet Red and the Whelp are behind this.  Ugh, now I'm speaking like a bad fan story.  Cor!  Blimey!  No wonder I keep finding ridiculous demons.  Bob's yer uncle, I have to get to the Watcher."

******************************

Xander thought back to when he first started taking notice of Spike's beautiful body.  He'd always made little mental notes to himself about how nice Spike looked, but he always thought it was just his way of cataloguing possible styles.  Spike always looked cool and Xander always wanted to be cool.  It made sense.

Xander thought back to that day in Spike's crypt.  He had gone on the pretense of helping Buffy, but really, there was no reason to believe that Spike could find an invisible Buffy any better than any other Scooby.  Or that Buffy would be at Spike's crypt.  He now realized he was just using every possible excuse to see Spike.

That was the day he had finally understood how Spike had _really_ gotten his nickname.  Spike's purple helmeted, one eyed trouser monster had grabbed Xander's attention and hadn't let go.  Xander was sure Spike had spiked quite a few people in his day, and doubted anyone considered it torture.  

Xander had been a little suspicious of Spike's actions that day.  Xander could have sworn he heard someone squealing every time Spike did a pushup.  Xander came to the conclusion that it must have been himself squealing with delight, and he thanked the powers that be that Spike was so wrapped up in his exercise that he didn't hear.

Everything was falling into place.  The lame lines about Spike getting a girlfriend were just Xander-code for "Spike! Take me now!"  The rage he felt after seeing that video wasn't jealousy over Anya, it was just Xander subconsciously proclaiming to the world that Spike was his and no one else could have him.  

Xander wrapped the coat around him.  Maybe if he hadn't been abused by African spider monkeys as a child he wouldn't have repressed his feelings.  Maybe if his parents hadn't repeatedly put Xander out while yelling at the dog to go to bed, he would know how to express his love openly, instead of through thinly veiled threats of violence.  And now everyone was getting play from Spike but Xander.

That was going to change.


	2. Chapter 2

Spike walked into the Magic Box, only to find absolute chaos.

"I don't care what your skank ass name is!  You can't just walk in here with your perfect hair and your perfect face and your perfect violet eyes and try to run everything!  And who the hell has violet eyes anyways?" Buffy was bitching at someone Spike had never seen.

The stranger with the long dark beautiful hair that was even shinier than Dawn's was staring calmly at Buffy.  She nodded in a sympathetic way and said, "I understand that you feel threatened by my presence.  After all, I'm not only a Slayer, but also your own Watcher's daughter, and you've been struggling without him but he immediately came running to be by my side.  I don't blame you for feeling upset, and I'm sorry that I stepped on your toes by closing the Hellmouth forever."  

As if possessed, Buffy's expression suddenly softened, and she walked over to hug the new girl.  

"Mhyrree  Sue, I'm sorry I was such a bitch.  I could never stay angry with you.  The way you closed the Hellmouth by singing that incantation was amazing.  Giles doesn't even have that book, and even if he did, Willow's not doing magic and Tara's not powerful enough to do that spell, and no one here has a voice that beautiful anyways.  I knew immediately that you were Giles' progeny when you said you enjoyed cross-referencing.  I can't even imagine what you must have gone through being raised by vampires, werewolves and Richard Simmons.  It's a miracle you were never turned, eaten, or forced to sweat to the oldies," Buffy said, smiling at the violet eyed, raven haired beauty.

Meanwhile, Giles was trying to get Willow and Tara to help do some research.  Unfortunately, Willow and Tara were too busy making out with Darla and Drusilla.  Spike had never seen four people sharing the same kiss, and he was quite captivated by the whole scene.

He walked over to Buffy, who ran up to him, hugged him and kissed him.

Spike was too shocked by the whole scene to notice how openly affectionate Buffy was.  "Buffy, what are Darla and Drusilla doing here still alive and not staked?  Why are those four making out? Together?  All at once?  And who is that girl?  What the bloody hell is going on here?"

"Well, Darla and Drusilla came back asking for their souls.  They had fallen in love with Willow and Tara and wanted to be with them.  Tara tried to do the spell and she almost failed, but then Mhyrree Sue walked through the door and gave them their souls instantaneously.  She's amazing.  She already knows everyone in Sunnydale, and she's only been here for a few days.  Everyone loves her.  She has an MD/Ph.D. and she's only 17 years old!  She closed the Hellmouth for us and everything.  And she's Giles' daughter, from some long ago love.  Isn't that just wonderful?  I don't know why I was so short with her earlier.  I don't know what came over me.  Giles seems to think something is terribly wrong, but I think he's over reacting.  I mean, what could possibly go wrong as long as we have Mhyrree Sue?"

Suddenly a huge demon crashed through the window, screaming and swinging a sword around.  Everyone screamed in unison. 

"Stand back everyone!  I'll take care of this," Mhyrree Sue shouted as she quickly grabbed an axe and started singing out an incantation.  She moved towards the demon, and fought him at an amazing speed.  She managed to chop his head off, but not before she was viciously impaled on his sword.

As she fell to the ground, everyone burst into tears.  Even Spike felt compelled to cry and he'd never even seen the girl before.

"Giles, how could this happen? She was so good and pure.  I should have died, not her!" Buffy cried out as she wept over the fallen body of her fellow slayer.

"I'm afraid it's much more serious than I ever expected," Giles said in an unsteady voice as tears streamed down his face.  "It seems the demon ruler Amilaki of the, the Horribus Fictitious dimension is trying to break into our reality.  The world she rules is full of demons responsible for bad plots and horrible clichés and they're slowly coming through the dimensional rip.  It's only a matter of time before the apocalypse comes in the form of thousands of bad storyline demons.  We must close the portal before they make it through, otherwise I fear we will be helpless to stop it."

******************************

As Xander walked towards the Magic Box, he pondered his situation.  On the one hand he was madly in love with Spike, but on the other hand he was Xander.  One thing Xander knew was that the demon-hater inside him would fight against his heart.  And the homophobic boy inside him was already feeling skitterish.  It seemed Xander couldn't be with a monster, couldn't be with a man.  He didn't know what to do with himself.

He resolved to ask Willow.  She was gay, she'd know what to do.  Besides, Willow was his best friend, even if he didn't really believe she was addicted to magic, or trust her not to use it, or care whether she kicked the habit for good or not.  She was Willow, who used to be madly in love with him while he tortured her with stories of how he envisioned his life with Buffy.  Willow who used to help him with math homework because she was madly in love with him and didn't see that he was using her for her knowledge of math.  Willow who'd always been there to give his ego little boosts when he needed it.  Willow who'd forgotten about her love for Xander and decided she was gay now; not bi, not even a tiny bit straight, but completely gay.  She'd be able to help him out.

Xander figured that, at the very least, she could forget about Spellcaster's Anonymous for one moment and do a spell to help him get over it.  After all, it can't always be about her, right?

******************************

"Giles, what should we do?" Buffy implored.

"As best as I can tell, we must either find Amilaki and stop her, or find the portal and close it, and of course, have sex with as many people as you can before the world ends.  Yes, that sounds about right," Giles said, while cleaning his glasses.  

"I'm worried Giles.  I don't think I can do this," Buffy whined.

"Nonsense, Buffy.  There are plenty of people here who are perfectly willing to have sex with you before the world ends," Giles said while cleaning his glasses.

"I meant finding the demon and her portal."

There was a beat of uncomfortable silence as everyone realized what Giles was thinking about and dealt with their respective mental images.

"Right.  Of course you did.  I will..um..do some, some research while you patrol.  If you see anything out of place, let me know," Giles said while cleaning his glasses.

"Okay.  I'll check in later then."  Buffy grabbed Spike's hand and pulled him towards the door.

"Be careful Buffy.  There's no telling what kind of scenarios you'll find yourself in with these types of demons on the loose," Giles called after her, while cleaning his glasses.

Buffy didn't hear him.  She had other things on her mind.

******************************


	3. Chapter 3

Buffy pulled Spike into the alley next to the Magic Box and began groping him and taking off her clothes.

At first Spike couldn't believe it was happening, but then he composed himself, leered, tilted his head and said, "I knew you'd come back to me, Slayer.  They always do.  Well, you always do at the very least, Goldilocks." 

"Well, Spike.  I figure that if the apocalypse is coming, I might as well get laid.  If it's the end of the world, then screw what everyone else would think.  Tell me you love me.  Tell me you want me.  Tell me you'll buy me shoes." 

Spike's expression softened.  "I love you, I'll always love you.  And I always want you.  And even though you have so many shoes that you never wear the same pair twice, I'll always buy you shoes.  Cor, I just can't believe we get to have sex at least one more time.  It's a bloody brilliant way to meet the end of the world, if you ask me."

As Spike began to go through the motions of removing his jacket, he suddenly remembered the harsh reality of its disappearance.  

"Bloody hell!  Forgot the sodding jacket disappeared.  You know what kind of dreams I've been having Slayer?" 

"No talking.  Just kissing.  And groping," Buffy said, trying to shut him up.

Spike was too caught up in his thoughts to pay attention.  

"I keep dreaming that I'm acting like a wanker," Spike complained.

"You don't say," an obviously annoyed Buffy replied.

"Yeh.  I do say.  I have this recurring dream where I attack you, but not in the violent 'Oh I'm gonna bite and kill you, Slayer' way.  In a desperate, loser, needs to be loved kind of way."

"Spiiike!  I wanna have sex!" Buffy pouted.  "And I never wanted to have sex with you again.  The world is about to end, this may be your last chance with me.  Why do you have to keep going on and on about this?"

"Oh.  Buffy, I want you so bad.  I just hate that something out there is telling me that I can't be a monster and I can't be a man.  I feel like a bloody Britney Spears song."

Suddenly they heard something shuffling in the corner of the alley.  Moving closer, they heard some snickering.

An Irony demon ran past them and out of the alley, calling back "Thanks for the suggestion!"

"Wonder what that was all about,"  Buffy mused.  "Oh who cares.  Lets have sex."

"Absolutely not!"

Buffy turned around to find that Spike had changed.  

He wasn't a monster.  He wasn't a man.  He was a nun.

"NOOOOOO!"  Buffy screamed.  "God damn you Powers that Be!  Can't I ever be happy?"

"Please don't take the Lord's name in vain, young lady.  And put some clothes on.  It isn't proper for a girl to be going around in so little, unless she's a harlot." 

"Spike!  What's happened to you?" Buffy asked, a look of absolute defeat on her face.

"That's Sister Spike, thank you very much, and I've answered the call of God," Sister Spike replied looking to the heavens.

Buffy dropped to her knees and wept for her libido.

******************************

Xander walked up to the Magic Box and paused at the door.  Had he just heard someone crying?  

He cautiously approached the alley and was surprised to find Buffy crying on her knees and being comforted by a nun with a strangely familiar British accent.

"Buffy?  Hey Buffster, what's wrong? And when did you become all Catholic, Buffmeister?  Is the world about to end or something Buff?  Princess Buffy, queen of Buffalonia, why won't you talk to me?"

Buffy relayed the previous scene to Xander through broken sobs and the occasional wail of "Oh God!  Where am I ever going to find someone else who can go for FIVE WHOLE HOURS?"

Xander was dumbfounded.  "An Irony demon?  Are those hard to kill or something?"

"Kill?"  Buffy looked up at Xander, a glimmer of hope in her eyes.  "I never even thought about trying to kill it."  She stood up, brushing herself off.  "I know what I'll do now.  I'll kill the Irony demon.  That'll put things right.  I'm so glad I thought of it.  Soon it'll just be me and Spike doing the horizontal hokey pokey."

After Buffy ran off, Xander sat on a box that always seemed to be in the alley and pondered whether the garbage collectors of Sunnydale ever even looked in alleys for trash.  He was startled out of his thoughts when a demon conked him on the head and ran off.

Looking at Spike, Xander began to soliloquize.

"I've just discovered that I'm in love with Spike, and I haven't been able to come to terms with his being a manly, evil, soulless creature.  Now I have the chance to be with him without worrying about any of that.  Is there anything more pure and womanly than a nun?  Look at her, on her knees praying to God, blissfully unaware of the evil that walks this very Earth.  Her simple black frock is so becoming and kneeling in that ray of light shining down on her from the heavens she looks almost like an angel.  A real one, not a souled-vampire who spends too much time brooding and making it with Buffy to be anything more than a nuisance.  That kind of Angel was never worth the effort it took to try and pretend that I actually liked him, when I really hated him for being an evil, though souled, creature of the night.  Look at those stray bleached blond hairs peek out of her wimple.  Even as I stand here, knowing all I need to do is coax her into breaking her vows of celibacy, or at the very least get her good and trashed, for me to realize my dream of being with Spike without getting any male monster cooties, I know that this isn't how I want it.  This isn't the way it needs to be, the way I need it to be.  Right now I would give anything to have that sexy bag of sexy British sex standing in front of me, tilting his head, raising his eyebrows, thrusting his hips towards me invitingly, while smiling that evil but knee weakening smile of his.  I forever renounce my anti-monster, heterosexual ways!  I love Spike!  Not this hollow, religious, womanly shell of Spike, but the randy, devious, and oh so sexual Spike of yore!"

The effects of the Soliloquy demon were just wearing off when another demon ran past, Buffy following close behind.  She cornered the demon in the alley.

"Give me back MY SPIKE!" she cried as she pummeled the demon into the brick wall.

With a final swing, she knocked the Irony demon's head off.

Xander watched as Buffy kicked the head around a bit, amused by her heroically violent ways.

"_Bloody hell!_  Why am I on my knees with my hands together like I was praying to some sodding git of a God?"

Xander froze, a chill moving up his spine to his big fat head.  Spike, _his_ Spike, was back.

******************************

Note from the author:

I'm not going to update again until I get at least 20,000 reviews.  

Or until tomorrow, whichever comes first. 


	4. Chapter 4

Buffy and Xander both turned to stare at their bleached blond love god. 

"Hey!  That's my coat!" Spike observed, as he yanked his coat away from Xander.  

"Xander, what were you doing with Spike's coat?" Buffy asked, confused.

"Well, it's like…well see, um, it's just I… aw hell.  I'm in love with Spike," Xander confessed.

"No, I'm in love with Spike.  And the show is called _Buffy_ the Vampire Layer, I mean Slayer, not Xander the Annoying Loser," Buffy snarked.

"I am not annoying.  I want Spike and I'm not going to let you stand in my way," Xander said as he stepped in between Spike and Buffy.

"Uh, excuse me, don't I get a say in any of this?" Spike asked.

"NO!" Buffy and Xander yelled simultaneously, but without breaking eye contact because they had entered phase one of any good cat fight—the stare down.

"Well, bollocks.  Is this gonna take long?  I haven't had any kind of sex in a good fifteen minutes.  I'm about ready to go hump a tree here," Spike whined, only barely controlling his sexual urges.

"It shouldn't take long for me to wipe the floor with him.  I might even clean the walls and windows, dust the furniture and scrub the tub," Buffy said in a singsong voice, obviously under the effects of a Badly Extended Metaphor demon.

"Try me Buffy.  You think this extra padding is incidental?  I wear the armor of Cheetos and potato chips.  Every punch is deflected by my layers of blubber, and I'm much more difficult to throw around."

"Sod it all.  I'll be in my crypt," Spike said.  He turned and walked back to his crypt, stopping to hump the occasional mailbox, tree and German shepherd.

Buffy and Xander started walking in circles around an invisible axis between them.  It was time for phase two—the catcalls.  

"What's this all about, Xander?  Couldn't think of any better way to parade your hypocrisy?" 

"Well Buffy, you always were my hero.  I just figured I'd follow your game plan."

"Bitch."

"Whore."

"Asshat."

"Bitch."

"Whore."

"Asshat."

"Bitch."

"Whore."

"I can't believe you said that!  Oh, that's it.  It's going down," Buffy yelled as she ran towards Xander.  It was time for phase three.  Slap fighting.

Xander and Buffy came at each other, arms pin wheeling, faces turned to the side, hands turned into claws as hair was pulled and skin was scratched.  Xander got the upper hand when he grabbed Buffy's jacket and pulled it down, incapacitating her left arm.  She blocked is first attempt with her free arm, but was hit with the full force of the second slap, full across the face.  

She felt the sting, fortunately not very painful because, well, it was Xander, and was shocked.  She stared at her puffy faced friend.

"Xander, I love you.  You know that right?"

"Of course I know Buffy.  I love you too, even if you are a skanky vampire loving ho," Xander said as the two of them hugged, without settling any of their problems or apologizing for any of the things said earlier, or pain inflicted during the catfight.  This was a true Scooby moment.

A piercing scream shocked them out of their tender, empty moment.  

It sounded like Dawn.

******************************

Dawn stared at the mirror, unable to process what she saw.  

"It can't be!  How could this happen?  Why must the world hate me so?  No one will ever want to be around me now!  I might as well kill myself tonight!"  

Tara ran into the tiny bathroom at the back of the Magic Box.  

"Dawn honey, it'll be alright."

"You heard what I said?  That was personal!  I can't believe you were eavesdropping!"

"I didn't mean.  You don't really mean anything you're saying.  It's just the demons"

"What demons?  There haven't been any demons near me.  Buffy had Anya put a protection spell on me."

Tara blinked.

Dawn sighed.  Everyone thought Dawn's personality was being affected by some demon.  It happened all the time.  She was used to it.  

"I just want to be alone right now."

Tara had barely had time to process that information before Dawn screamed, "Get out, get out, GET OUT!"  It happened all the time.  Tara was used to it.

After Tara left, Dawn sat on the toilet.  She couldn't go outside looking like this.  Her hair had lost all of its shine.  It was as dull as Riley.  

She stood up to look one more time, in case it was just a trick of lighting.  

She looked in the mirror.  And she screamed.  And screamed.  And screamed.

It was worse than she ever could have imagined. 

She had Xander's worst hairdo.  


	5. Chapter 5

Buffy ran into the Magic Box and threw Anya up against the wall by the neck, because reacting with sudden aimless anger is what Slayers do best.

"What did you do to her you skanky demon whore?  I should never have trusted someone who found Xander sexually attractive, even after he doubled in size."

"Cagh tak wihow brehig," Anya gurgled.

Buffy dropped her in a pile on the floor.  "What did you say you dirty ho bag?" Buffy asked as she delivered as solid, yet heroic, kick to Anya's side.

"Can't talk without breathing," Anya gasped. "Miss Green and Glowy is in the bathroom.  Chill out Jo--,er, Buffy."

Buffy ran to the bathroom in slow motion.  She wrenched the door open and screamed out.  "Dawn!  Stand still while I kill that thing on your head!"

Dawn burst into tears.  "No!  Buffy, you can't.  It's..it's..oh God it's _my hair_!"

Buffy fell to her knees in shock.  It was too much.  She couldn't protect her sister.  This was an evil not even she could fight.  Only one thing could pull her out of it.

"Hey, where's Xander?"

******************************

Xander slipped out of the alley while Buffy ran towards Dawn.  As he headed for Spike's crypt, he could feel his old softie turning into an upright citizen.  Mr. Syphilis would be more than a two stroke engine tonight.  

By the time Xander entered Spike's crypt, the big dripper was tight in his pants.  

"I was wondering when one of you lot would come.  Sodding trees were giving my  droopy dog splinters. So then, shall we cut to the chase?" Spike said as he removed his clothes.

Xander watched, shocked to see that Spike's stinky twinkie was quite the tiny tim.  

"Wow Spike.  From all the play you've been getting, I expected your warthog to be, well, bigger," Xander said, unable to tear his eyes away from Spike's proud, if miniscule, jutting cock.

"Harris, do you want my Scooby snack or not?  Besides, Ralph the fur faced chicken can do quite a bit of damage for all its half an inch."

Xander knew that all he wanted was to put his hands on that pale ivory tower, so he shut up and moved closer.  He quickly removed his clothes, his molten mushroom twitching happily.

Spike moved behind Xander with vampire speed.  "Ready for Vlad the Impaler, whelp?" Spike asked as he pulled Xander to him.

Xander shuddered as he anxiously awaited Spike's thrill drill.  

Just as Spike was maneuvering his throbbing purple pneumatic drill of lurve into position, a demon ran into the crypt, bringing tiny Elvis to a screeching halt.

"Don't you know anything?  You must use lube!  Lube, I say, lube!"  The demon snapped it's fingers and an three industrial sized vats of lube appeared.  The demon quickly opened each one, poured them out until every dry spot was greased up, and then ran out of the crypt.

"That was…odd.  Oh well. Ready for Jo Jo the circus clown?" Spike asked. 

He moved his granite edifice back into position, but when he went to thrust his heat seeking moisture missle into Xander's sweet spot, he succeeded only in losing his grip on Xander's hips and falling to the floor, turning his church spire into a gummy worm.  

"Bugger.  Looks like I'll need a Viagra to turn Limpy into Captain Kirk.  You'll just have to wait about two hours," Spike said, matter of factly as he stared forlornly at his Rumpleforeskin.

"I can't wait that long to feel your spelunking sausage.  Any minute now Buffy's going to realize I'm gone and come to claim your quivering member as her own.  I know what to do," Xander said.  He moved towards his cast off clothes, slipping and sliding in the massive puddle of lube.  He reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out several iron rings and a rubber band.  He slowly made his way back to Spike.

"These are cock rings.  They do the same trick as Viagra, but quicker.  I carried them around because sometimes I have problems with Russell the love muscle, and I never knew when Anya was going to want the third arm of justice.  Try them on, and if they're all too big," Xander paused, staring at Spike's wrinkle beast, "which they might be for your twig and berries, the rubber band does the same trick."

"Worth a try, if it can give life to Tobias the cheeky monkey," Spike said, leering.  "I'll just need a little…manual stimulation for the wonder down under."

"Gladly," Xander said as he slid his way over to Spike's Slim Jim.

Together, they turned Spike's slut stick into a rock hard kaptain kielbasa, and Xander slipped the rubber band around big Jim and the twins.

Spike tried again to spear Xander with his anal impaler, but try as he might his intrusion protrusion kept missing the mark.  He couldn't keep his balance long enough to get the master of ceremonies into position.

"We'll have to try something else.  We can do it the other way around," Spike said.

Spike and Xander attempted to switch positions.  It wasn't easy.  Xander kept falling, using said falls as excuses to grab Spike's spunk spelunker.  Spike did his best to steady Xander by holding onto Xander's lovewand.  Finally Xander fell to his knees in front of Spike's pleasure piston.

"We can do that too," Spike murmured, as he watched Xander's mouth get closer to Sir Martin Wagstaff.  

Just as Xander made contact with the little general, Spike slipped and fell.

"Bloody hell."

Xander began to feel frustrated.  Spike's honey-hued column was right there for the taking and Xander still hadn't had a go.  All he wanted was to feel Spike's bulbous big-knob inside him.  Xander made his way towards Spike, never losing eye-contact with that blue-veined junket pumper.  Xander managed to maneuver himself into a sixty-nine position, his little man with the helmet dangling over Spike's head, Xander's own head a few feet above Spike's Eiffel tower.  

He began to lower himself, anxious to taste Spike's thrusting manhood, when he slipped again.  

"Aw!  Your bloody bald-headed mouse is in my bleedin' eye!" Spike yelped, as he pushed Xander aside.  Spike was covering his eye, so Xander couldn't see if the family jewels had done any real damage.  

Spike stood up, his little spike protruding, teasing Xander and making his own zipper ripper pulsate.  Xander was determined to get a piece of the yummy hummer hanging between Spike's legs.

But try as Xander might, Spike's squinty blowpop seemed unattainable.  Every position they tried ended with someone's pump action yogurt rifle missing the target.  They tried it laying down and ended with Xander's bayonet hitting Spike's kidneys.  They tried it on their knees, which resulted only in Spike's elephant's trunk getting elbowed.  

"That's it!" Xander cried.  "I'm gonna get a piece of that veiny bangstick if it kills me!  All we have to do is keep one of us steady enough for the other to use their rocket to Uranus."

"Well I've got some handcuffs downstairs, if you're willing," Spike suggested.

Xander wasn't too keen on bondage fun, but he was prepared to do anything for Spike's pulsating woodwind.  

Xander followed Spike into the depths of the crypt.  Watching Spike's pale white ass was making Freddy firehose even harder than it already was.  Xander gently stroked his womb hammer in anticipation.

Spike fished around the ruins of what had been his bedroom, his twizzler of love dangling invitingly.  He finally found the handcuffs and held them up.

"So, who gets to wear these?" Spike asked.

Xander couldn't decide.  He knew he wanted Spike's one eyed wonder weasel but he didn't know if he was willing to be handcuffed for it.  If he was the one handcuffed then he wouldn't be free to stroke the Spike's sperminator.  If Spike were handcuffed, Xander would be able to touch the Energizer bunny as much as he wanted.  Spike's pink oboe would be his to touch and tease.  Xander only had to look at Spike's hot beef injection to know that he wanted to be taken by Spike, to know that Spike's pennis the menace was in control.  

"I'll wear them," Xander said.

Spike led Xander back up, as the lower level was too full of random pieces of wood for Spike to feel comfortable having any kind of wild monkey sex.  Spike hadn't been too sure how he'd feel sharing his stealth bomber with the butt monkey, but based on the reaction admiral winky had, it was going to feel good.

"So, Bleach Boy, where do I need to go?" Xander asked.

"Over here.  This is where Buffy used to tie me up and play with my excreting eel," Spike said, motioning Xander to a corner of the crypt.  "For whatever reason, there's a pipe running through here that works pretty well to attach handcuffs and ropes."

Slipping and sliding over the lube covered floor, Xander eventually made his way to the spot Spike had indicated.  Xander laid on the floor and waited for Spike and his colon cowboy to make their way over.  

Spike crouched over Xander, snapping the handcuffs on each hand and then pulling Xander's hands back to snap the cuffs around the pipe.  All the while, Spike's ass pirate was inches from Xander's face.  Xander tried to reach his head to Spike's flesh pistol, but Spike quickly stood up, moving his love weasel out of Xander's reach.

"Uh, uh, pet.  Now it's time to do things my way.  I get to control this situation, which means you don't get  dickimus maximus until I say you do," Spike taunted.

Xander's passion rifle throbbed.  Now that Xander couldn't get to Spike's kick stand, he only wanted it more.  Xander stared at Spike's throbbing slab of man meat while Spike watched Xander squirm.  

Spike reached down and gently stroked Xander's missle of love.  Xander couldn't take it anymore.  His squirt gun exploded like a firecracker of ecstasy, spitting his love juice all over Spike's hand.  

Spike wasn't expecting such a forceful outburst from Xander's stick shift.  Spike tried to pull his hand back quickly and ended up knocking himself off balance, slipping on the lubed up floor and falling to the ground.  When Spike realized what had happened, his meat spear throbbed and spit out its lifeless seed.  Though it was small, Spike's eeny weenie packed quite the spunky punch.  His cold dead baby batter sprayed all over the crypt walls, into the smallest nooks and crannies that were impossible to clean.  

"Damn.  I'll have to call in some heavy duty favors to clean the spunk off the walls," Spike muttered to himself.

Spike sighed and pulled the rubber band off of his manlog.  He made his way over to Xander to find that Xander's meat case was withered and flaccid.

"Is it alright if we just cuddle?"


	6. Chapter 6

Buffy got up off of the floor.  She screamed one last time at the thing on Dawn's head, which had transformed from Xander's worst hairdo into something very Flock of Seagulls.  

"Dawn, I'm so sorry about your hair.  Hold on just one second."

Buffy left for a quick moment and returned holding something in her hands.

"Buffy! No!"  

"Dawn, please listen to me.  Listen.  We don't have much time.  This is the work I have to do.  Your hair is bad enough to drive us all mad.  Tell Giles I've figured it out and the bag can't come off of your head.  And I'm okay with that because that's one horrid hairdo.  And tell my friends I love them and I'm sorry I didn't do the same for them, cause we all know there have been times when they really needed it.  Dawn, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it with really bad hair.  No one wants to talk to you or look at you or be associated with you.  Be brave.  Live with it.  For me.  Because I have better things to do right now.  Like trying to find Xander and keep him from boning Spike before I get my kicks."

Buffy put the bag on Dawn's head and ran off to Spike's crypt.

******************************

Xander wished Spike would free his hands so he could stroke the platinum head that was sleeping peacefully on Xander's chest.  They hadn't gotten to do anything, thanks to the evil lube monster that made it impossible for any real sexing to go on, but they had connected.  Somehow, they had connected.

The crypt door suddenly slammed open.

Spike jerked awake and stared at the fuming slayer in the doorway.

"Spike!  Xander!  What the hell are you doing?" Buffy demanded.

"Is this how you always come into this crypt?  Geez, are we all this rude?  I'm really sorry Spike," Xander said.

"'S'okay, love.  I'm used to it.  Well, what do you want?" Spike asked Buffy.

"Why are you…I'm the one who's supposed to get to sleep with you.  Not him!" Buffy whined.

"What can I say?  I've always been bad, baby.  And horny as hell.  And he beat you to it," Spike replied.

"This has to stop.  This has to stop right now," Buffy commanded.

"Oh, so you get to bone the undead but everyone else has to stick to the living?  I see how it is Buffy.  You always push us out.  Never let us be part of the 'I slept with a vampire' club.  When are you gonna let us in?" Xander yelled.

"Xander, I," Buffy said as she turned to look at him. "God!  Put some clothes on!  I can't talk to you while you're naked and handcuffed!" 

"Well Spike is naked too!" Xander said defensively.

"Yeah, but Spike is sexy and I've seen everything he has to offer before.  You're like my BROTHER!  My naked, handcuffed brother!  EWWW!" Buffy cried out, turning away.

"If you don't want to see it, you don't have to be here Buffy.  Spike and I are happy together," Xander said as Spike freed his hands.

"You're not really in love with him!  It's Horribus Fictitious seeping through that makes you think you are.  Amilaki has been screwing with everything!  I have to stop that bitch before anything else happens."

Buffy ran out of the door, followed closely by Spike.

"Buffy!  Where are you going?  Aren't we going to have sex?" Spike cried out.

"Not until I set things straight!" Buffy shouted, not stopping.

"Buffy, I'm not gay now. That's Willow.  I'm just horny.  And what are you going to do, anyways?" Spike asked, grabbing Buffy by the arm, trying to turn her around so she would face him while she talked.  Buffy's determination was stronger than he realized, however, and he ended up just being dragged along like a rag doll.

"I'm going to find that Amilaki demon and kill her," Buffy said coldly.

"How the bloody hell are you going to do that?  You don't even know where the sodding bint is!  And will you stop for one second so a bloke can get his footing?" 

"Easy.  I found a nest of Plot Contrivances demons earlier.  One of them is bound to give me all the information I need at a crucial point that will make it easier on me to find and kill this Amilaki demon before the story ends.  Duh."

******************************

Xander sat up and rubbed his wrists.  The handcuffs didn't really hurt on account of the copious amount of lube, but that's what people always did when they got out of handcuffs, and Xander was a follower.

Xander thought about what Buffy had said.  Could it be true?  Was his love just a spell?  He thought back to when Buffy and Spike were engaged, and how weird that had been.  That was just a spell and Buffy thought it was real. Maybe Xander was under a spell too.  He had to find out.  Somehow or another, he had to find out.  And he had to do it before Buffy closed the portal to Horribus Fictitious.  

Xander didn't want to live in a world where he didn't love Spike and he wasn't about to let Buffy take it from him.

******************************

Buffy ran into the Magic Box, Spike trailing behind her.

"Giles, we have to stop this.  It's getting worse.  This is even worse than the singing!  I don't –"

"Buffy, please, calm down.  What's happened?  Why the sudden urgency?" Giles asked, a concerned look on his face.

"I just saw Xander, naked, handcuffed, and covered in lube and Spike."

Giles immediately took off his glasses, cleaned them and then plugged his ears.

"La la la la la, I can't hear you, la la la."

Buffy watched as her watcher lost his mind.  Then she slapped him, because she was the Slayer and violence was all she knew.

"Giles! Snap out of it!"

"I'm so sorry Buffy. I just didn't want to hear or think about that situation ever again in my life."

"Well neither do I, which is why we have to stop this demon."

"Very well.  Um, where do you propose we start?"

"You do some research.  See if Anya knows anything about this one, and check to see if crazy girl over there has had any visions."

Giles turned to look at Dru, who was hula dancing with a bookshelf.

"Right, of course.  What will you do?"

"I'm going to see what these little demons know about Amilaki.  And kick some ass.  And maybe, just maybe, have sex with Spike."

"La la la la, I can't hear you, la la la."

******************************

Spike stared at Dru.  It had been so long since he'd last seen her.  What was she doing in Sunnydale?  Why hadn't they killed her?  Why was she trying to tango with the ladder?  The last time they'd met he had threatened to kill her for Buffy.  He wanted to go talk to her but was afraid of her wrath.  Dru was already dangerous, unpredictable and very crazy.  Make her mad, and there goes the world.  Still, he wanted to talk to her and find out who she thought the ladder was.  She was always good for a chuckle, that one.

Spike walked over to Dru.

"Come on now Mister.  You promised we'd go dancing 'til the sun came up and fried us all into little marshmallow puffs.  Don't go pretending you're not a harpist.  Mummy knows better than that."

Spike smiled to himself.  He really missed Dru's insanity sometimes.  The girl may have been crazy, but she was a bloody lot easier to understand than the sodding Slayer.

"Hello, Dru," he said quietly.  

"Spike! You came!"  Dru turned to face him, a smile on her face.

"What're you doing here, pet?" Spike asked.

"Grandmum and I came to join the laughing widgets.  We've fallen for the witches and the trolls cry for us.  But the angels aren't happy.  They make us hurt inside, just like daddy.  Do you like daisies with bees inside them?"

Spike tilted his head and looked at her with sudden understanding.  Everyone always thought she was babbling, but he had spent a hundred years with her.  He understood that everything she said had a purpose and a meaning.  And he understood her now.

"Dru.  You got a soul.  How'd you do that?  And is it for Red or Spineless over there?"

  
"Grandmummy and I went to a little store.  I picked this up for you," she said handing him small slip of paper.

'Souls R Us!

Grand Opening Today!

All Souls Half Off!

Hurry, offer valid only for a limited time'

"Grandmummy and me are fiddle dee dee and the witches make us three and four.  Her hair is silk and fire.  I hope you understand, my poor Spike.  You have yours.  We reserved it for you.  Pick it up when the stars go clickety click against the moon."

Spike stared at the ad in his hands and then back at Dru, who had given up on the ladder and moved on to the table, which was getting her very special lap dance.  She always knew.  Always.


	7. Chapter 7

Buffy walked around the graveyard.  She knew she had seen those Plot Contrivance demons around here somewhere, and she was determined to find them.  She passed Spike's crypt and decided to see if Xander had noticed anything.

"Xander?  You still here?"

She stepped inside, ready to shield her eyes in case the carpenter still had his hammer out in the open.  She looked around and realized that the crypt was empty, the handcuffs were still in the corner and, somehow, all the lube had disappeared.

She heard footsteps behind her.  She quickly stepped inside the door and pressed herself against the wall, ready to attack if necessary, and listened.

"Dude, that was, like, totally awesome."  A male voice.  A stoned male voice.

"Yeah, it was wicked cool."  Make that two stoned male voices.

"The way that huge dam broke and washed every car in the parking lot?  It was like we had those little scrubby things from that commercial."

"Giddy up 409!  Excellent!"

"Totally cleaned everything in site.  My dad thought I did it so he completely ignored the huge mess from when we made those special brownies and summoned the crazy crack pipe demon.  I didn't even know we had a dam in Sunnydale."

Buffy thought as quickly as her blonde head could think.  Random previously unheard of dam in a small one Starbucks town?  A random flood that cleaned everything without causing any major damage?  Stoners talking about it loudly in a graveyard, at night, in Sunnydale, just as she was wondering where all the lube had gone?  She was obviously in the right place.  There had to be a Plot Contrivance demon nearby.

Something scampered behind Spike's television.  Buffy quickly crept behind it and grabbed it by the tail.

"Gotcha!"

"Lemme go or I'll give you some debilitating disease!"

"So you can do that?  You wouldn't happen to be a Plot Contrivance demon, would you?"

"What if I am?"

"Perfect."  Buffy dragged the demon to the corner, and snapped one side of the handcuffs on her own arm, and the other around the demon's neck.

"Now, then, tell me everything I need to know about Amilaki, and maybe, just maybe I'll let you go."

******************************

Spike stood outside of the building, the flyer in his hand.  It was time.

He opened the door and was greeted by a deep, gritty voice. 

"Welcome to Souls R Us."

Spike turned towards the voice and saw a figure with green glowing eyes in the shadows.

"You'll have to pardon the ambiance.  The electricity went out when the Yengodji demon touched the metal doorframe.  What do you want?"

"Give me what I came for," Spike said.

"What makes you think you deserve it?"

"Got me one already reserved."

"Then you shall have what you asked for.  Here is – your soul!"

The demon reached out and touched Spike on the chest.  Light filled the room and Spike fell to his knees, threw his head back and yelled out.

"Bugger all!  That stings!"

"Oops.  Forgot I had this hand buzzer on.  You demons come in and out of my store all day, all serious and 'Give me back my soul!'  A lurking, glowy-eyed guy's gotta have some kind of fun right?  Ooh, the lights are on again.  The services provided are covered under warranty for ninety days.  We cannot be held responsible for any wear and tear your soul may have. Blah blah blah, have a nice day."

******************************

Xander entered the Magic Box.  He had to find out about alternate dimensions.  All these memories were flying back into his head--Jonathon's superstar spell, Buffy and Spike being engaged, that strangely sexy vampire version of Willow.  He had to find a way to see whether his feelings were real or just part of some spell.

Xander looked around.  Who would know this kind of information?  Giles was busy trying to talk to Drusilla, who was writhing on the floor and screaming about how the stars were attacking her with knives and poppy seeds.  Dawn, or at least he thought it was Dawn, was banging her paper bag covered head against the wall.  Willow and Tara were floating over Darla and would every now and then burst into a snippet of song about being complete.  Buffy and Spike were nowhere to be seen.  That left only one person he could ask for help.

"Anya."

"What do you want Mr. Stupid-leaving-a-girl-at-the-altar-because-you-couldn't-deal-with-your-juvenile-fears-and-couldn't-tell-me-about-this-a-few-months-before-our-wedding-day-or-even-the-day-you-proposed-to-me-when-I-told-you-that-you-were-only-doing-it-out-of-fear-but-you-wouldn't-listen-to-me-because-you-have-a-penis-and-never-have-any-blood-going-to-your-head-and-therefore-your-brain-leaving-you-incapable-of-thinking-in-any-kind-of-logical-form-and-now-I-wish-you-were-a-thousand-little-Xander-pieces-floating-at-the-bottom-of-a-septic-tank?" Anya asked with a smile.

"I need to know about alternate dimensions."

"Well, there are thousands of alternate dimensions.  For instance, there could be a world without shrimp, or a world with only shrimp, or a world where shrimp rip guys who desert their fiancés at the alter into tiny pieces starting with their syphilis-ridden penises, or a world full of shrimp porn, also known as prawnography, or a world where shrimp dance the cha cha for fifty cents, or a world where men who crack stupid jokes get turned into shrimp and then boiled and eaten by trolls.  Why do you ask?"

"Is there any way to find out whether the things you're thinking are real and not just due to some mind bending alternate reality experience?"

"Only if you find some way to turn the alternate reality into the real reality.  Feelings are reality based.  That's why I'm trying to find my way back to a reality where you never existed and didn't stomp on my heart with your cleats of manly stupidity.  Figuratively, speaking of course."

"Oh god, I have to stop Buffy before it's too late."  

Xander ran out of the Magic Box.  He didn't know what he was going to do.  All he knew was that he couldn't let the reality disappear if it meant his feeling for Spike would go with it.  And he suddenly had a craving for shrimp.

******************************

Giles shook his head, took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.  Drusilla was doing the cabbage patch on the table and singing about the rowboats winning the dress rehearsal.  His head hurt.  He heard the tinkling of the bell and looked to see who had entered.  It was time.

"Willow, come here for a moment."

Willow walked over, her face rosy from singing and doing spells with Tara and Darla.  

"What's up?" she asked in a chipper "I just sang and did spells" voice.

"I've been trying to elucidate whether Drusilla here has had any visions that would aid in our search for some way to close the dimensional distortion Amilaki has caused.  But I haven't been able to get very far and I currently have something else to deal with.  Do you mind taking over for me?"

Willow glanced at the loony vampire, who's running man was knocking all the books off of the table.  

"I guess I can.  But I don't think I'll get much further," she replied with a look of distaste.

"Wonderful."  Giles walked over to the newcomer.

"Are you ready, then?"

"Yes, whenever you are.  I brought the thing you asked," said the newcomer.

Giles motioned for the newcomer to follow him as he walked over to Dawn.

"Dawn.  I'm going to take the bag from off your head," Giles said as he reached for the bag.

"But Buffy said—," Dawn protested.

"Buffy couldn't do what needed to be done.  And sooner or later, that bag will be blown off of your head by some sudden gust of wind or you'll forget to wear it and the bad hairdo will emerge.  And the world will pay for Buffy's mercy by having to look at that hair.  Imagine how many eyes will be stricken blind or clawed out just to avoid having to look at that thing on your head.  Buffy knows that and she still couldn't do what was necessary.  She's a hero, you know, and for some reason incredibly sympathetic to everything you do or say, regardless of how whiny and annoying it may be, or how horrid you may look.  She's not like us."

Giles pushed Dawn to the ground, pulled the bag off of her head and covered her mouth with his hand.  He motioned to his friend to do what he came for.

Doc stepped forward, an electric shaver in his hand.  

"Shallow cuts, shallow cuts.  Let the hair go free," Doc said as he shaved Dawn's head.

Dawn tried to scream but her screams were muffled by Giles' hand.

Doc finished and stood up, looking down on his work.

"Now this should be interesting," he said as he pulled out a mirror to show Dawn his handiwork.

Not even Giles could stop the girl from screaming.


	8. Chapter 8

Buffy began her trek back to the Magic Box.  The Plot Contrivance demon had been pretty useless.  Turns out he was more concerned with finding contrived ways to get pizza delivered to his nest than anything else.  Stupid demon.

Now how was she supposed to figure out how to defeat Amilaki before her bad fiction devices overran the world?

Buffy's path took her path an old church.  An old church in which something was moving.

"That's not suspicious at all," Buffy said to no one in particular.

She crept up to the church.  Quietly and cautiously she stepped through the open door.  A quick sweep of the place wasn't going to be sufficient.  It was dark and there were way too many shadows.

"Buffy."

Buffy whirled around to find Spike sitting in the corner, holding a book and eating fried chicken, collard greens and what looked like –

"Spike, what the hell are you doing?  Are those chitlins?"

"Oh, so sorry.  Where are my manners?  Cornbread?" he said as he offered her a small yellow muffin.

"No! Spike!" Buffy yelled as she kicked the cornbread out of his hand. "Those go straight to my hips!  How dare you!"  She threw Spike across the church, breaking a few pews.  She smiled to herself, happy to have met her daily quota for senseless destruction.  She had hoped it would involve much rolling around with Spike on the floor of his crypt and lots of primal grunting, but this would do.  

"Ow!  That bloody hurt!  This thing is just useless.  I can't tell if it's working.  They didn't give me any instructions just sent me on my merry way with this bleedin' manual that doesn't even have a troubleshooting guide," Spike said as he held his book up for Buffy's inspection.

Chicken Soup for the Undead…Buffy didn't catch the rest of it, and frankly she had other things to worry about than trying to figure out what was on Spike's summer reading list.  Like trying to get into Spike's pants.  

"You wanna tell me what's going on? Spike, what are you talking about? I'm listening now, but I gotta tell you, you're starting to bore the hell out of me," Buffy said as she stood over her sexpot and glared down at him.

Spike stood and pulled on a sequin-studded jacket.

"I went to go get my flash.  They made me all flashy, and then just left me on my own," Spike said as he moved towards the far end of the church.

"What?  What flash?  Why did you want to be flashy?" Buffy asked, confused.

"Why?  I'll tell you why."

Suddenly bright red and blue lights shone down on Spike, and a microphone appeared out of nowhere.  He spun around to face her and grabbed the mike, his hair suddenly styled in what could only be described as a jerry curl.

"_Because you make me feel_

_You make me feel_

_You make me feel like an actual human_," Spike sang to Buffy.

Buffy stared at Spike, incredulous.

Spike continued, "And now I've got the flash, the sparkle and the bang, and baby, let me tell you—

_I feel good._

_I knew that I would now._

_I feeeel good._

_I knew that I would now._

_So good, so good, cause I got you.  _

_WHOAAAH_"

Buffy watched as Spike started doing the Electric Slide, and she suddenly knew what had happened.

"Spike.  You got soul!"

"Right on baby!  WHOAAAH"

******************************

Giles stood up and brushed his trousers clean of Dawn's hair, hoping her condition wasn't contagious.  He thanked Doc for coming and showed him out of the store.  Time to see if Willow had made any headway.

"Willow," Giles called out.

"Giles, I don't think we can get any more from her.  I asked her what she saw, and she drew me a picture, but then she set it on fire.  And then she set herself on fire.  I put it out, mostly, but then she ran away from me and decided to jump into the fish tank."

"Willow, we don't have a fish tank."

"Well I tried to tell her that but she didn't want to hear it," Willow replied, glancing at Drusilla who was swimming back and forth on the display case, hair still smoldering.

"Well, do you remember what she drew?  Is anything left of the paper?  Maybe we can try to extrapolate what she saw in her vision."

"Well the paper's pretty much gone, but from what I saw of it, I think this demon is at the Bronze."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because Drusilla drew a picture of the Bronze.  Inside of a puppy.  Without it's head.  Giles, it was disturbing."

"Right, then.  We need to find Buffy.  Why don't you and Tara go look for her?  Anya can stay here with Dawn.  I can meet you at the Bronze after I pick up a few weapons from home."

"What about Xander?"

"Xander?  Is he here?"  Giles asked while looking around the shop.

"Well, no, but he shouldn't be left out.  He is, after all, one of the core Scoobies.  Besides.  He's so large now that he'd be perfect to hide behind."

"Well if you run across him, feel free to inform him of our plan.  But finding Xander is currently the least of our worries."

******************************

Xander was pacing back and forth in the alley next to the Magic Box.  He had to find some way of stopping Buffy from ruining what had been the best night of his life.  He remembered Spike's cold hard body next to his, feeling Spike's complete lack of heartbeat.  He would find a way.

He heard a bell tinkle.  Someone had come out of the Magic Box.  He walked towards the street.

"Willow!  Tara!  What's up?"

"Hey, Xander.  We're looking for Buffy.  Have you seen her lately?" Willow asked, a worried look on her face.

"The last time I saw her she was at Spike's crypt, looking for more demons to pummel."

"Well, we think the big demon is at the Bronze.  If you find Buffy, could you tell her that?  Giles is going to meet us there," Willow said.

"Right. Bronze."  
  


Willow and Tara walked towards Spike's cemetery.

Xander waited until they were out of sight before he started to run.

******************************

Buffy made her way back to the Magic Box.  She had to talk to Giles.  She had to put a stop to this madness.  She wasn't sure how much more she could take.  

"Buffy!  Buffy!  Buffy, stop!"

Buffy turned around to see Willow and Tara floating towards her. What was with all the floating these girls did?  Don't they know how to walk?  It kind of creeped Buffy out, not that there's anything wrong with floating.  Buffy just didn't need to see it.

"Will, what's up?" Buffy asked in her most nonchalant-I-have-no-problems-with-your-choice-to-float way.

"Amilaki.  We think she's at the Bronze.  Giles is gonna meet you there.  Go ahead.  Tara and I have some books to get from home."

"Like the Mumermford Report?" Buffy asked with a cocked eyebrow.  

"Yeah, something like that," Willow replied sheepishly.  "We'll catch up."

Buffy watched the witches float away before turning back to the church.  She needed Spike for this.  Soul or no soul, he was still the best fighter she had, amongst other things.  She wanted him by her side.

******************************

Xander made it about two blocks before he had to stop, falling to his hands and knees, gasping for air and trying not to throw up.  It was a good thing the Magic Box was close to the Bronze or he'd never make it at this rate.  It was also good that no one ever seemed to remember their cars, cause otherwise he'd get laughed at by the rest of them for trying something as foolhardy as trying to run anywhere.

When he managed to scale down his wheezing to a brisk pant with an occasional heave, Xander started walking towards the Bronze again.  He got there just in time to see Spike and Buffy enter.  Good.  There was still time.

******************************

Buffy stepped inside the Bronze and immediately stopped.

"Oh my.  This, I didn't expect."

The Bronze was full of people, all prostrating themselves at the base of the stage, where a huge hole in the fabric of time and space lay gaping, the edges crackling with energy.  Through the rip in reality, Buffy saw the demon Amilaki, surrounded by what looked like a large computer—from hell.

"All hail Amilaki.  Give us more.  All hail Amilaki. The rest are but mere bugs, to be squished before your talent and grace.  All hail Amilaki.  Best of them all," the people droned.

"Wonderful.  Chanters.  Why does chanting have to be so monotonous?" Buffy said as she unsheathed a sword.  

"Buffy, this isn't the time," Spike said, zipping up his pants.

"Oh, fine.  Gimme something I can kill her with," Buffy said, turning to face Amilaki.

"YOU!" Amilaki had noticed Buffy.  "Stop them!"

Amilaki pushed a few buttons and a swarm of demons came after Buffy and Spike.  

Buffy started kicking and flailing, keeping the demons at bay.  She grabbed a pool stick and started stabbing at them.

"Spike!  Help me!"

"Sorry, love, but I've got my hands full over here," Spike responded, kicking away a Cheap Characterization Ploy demon.

Xander ran in.  Spike was in trouble.  He had to help.  

Xander started throwing demons away from Spike, in every direction.  He had to save his sexy British love muffin.

"Spike, are you okay?" Xander asked, concerned.

"Well bloomin' begorrah and blimey bugger bediddle, yeh'll nevah get yer 'ands on me Lucky Charms!" Spike crowed at the demons as he danced around the room in his green velvet jumpsuit. 

Xander stared at the suddenly green vampire.  "Spike?  Are you okay?"  
  
"Yo, word, me and my dawgs are gunna go down wit da bling-bling and da smacksssss...." At that moment, Spike tipped over under the weight of his fifty pimp chains. 

Xander shook his head, confused.  Where'd the green jumpsuit go?

"Spike?  What the hell is wrong?  Where'd your sexy British accent go?  That whole 'from the hood' look just doesn't work for you."

"Ah have nevah been so insulted in mah life, ah do declare!" Spike pursed his lips and twirled his parasol before leaving the room in a swish of purple taffeta.   
  


Xander whirled around, ready to chase after the confusing but sexy vampire.  "Spike!  Why does you keep changing your accent?  The southern one doesn't work any better than that hardass gansta' one you tried just now."  
  
"What aboot this one, eh? Yoo think this one is okay, eh? Eh?" Spike was standing in the doorway dressed as a Canadian mountie, holding up a moose.

"Where'd you get the moose?  Though I have no problems with the outfit.  Wait a minute—"

Xander rushed at Spike, knocking him down.  He turned him over and pulled the Really Bad Accent demon off of him, flinging it against the wall.  Then he laid his head down on Spike's back, panting from over-exertion.

Buffy tossed a Conveniently Oblivious Character demon away from her and turned to find Spike.  Seeing Xander atop her mountain of love, she screamed. 

"XANDER!  Get off of him!  He's my vampire sextoy!"

Buffy grabbed Xander and threw him aside.  At that moment, Giles, Willow and Tara arrived.

"Buffy, we did some research.  There's only one way to close the portal. You have to get a hold of Amilaki's computer," Willow said, not noticing the Plot Contrivance Demon in her back pocket.

Buffy turned, her resolution steeled.  She ran up to the stage, jumped into the hole and grabbed the keyboard Amilaki was using. 

"Buffy, NO!" Xander called out.  He didn't have much time.  He ran over to Spike, and embraced him.  "Whatever happens, I'll never forget what we had!"

"Willow!  What now?" Buffy asked as she jumped back through to her own reality.

"Press the delete key!" Willow said.

"What? Will, I can't hear you!  This crackling portal and the chanters are just too loud!" Buffy cried, staring helplessly at the keyboard in front of her.

"Deliver!  Press Deliver," came a voice from above that sounded a lot like Cordelia's.  

"Cordelia? Is that you?" Buffy asked, looking around.

"Never mind that, you nimwit.  Press Deliver!" the voice answered.

Buffy quickly looked at the keyboard and pressed the button marked DEL.  

Nothing happened.  The portal was still open.

"It didn't work!" Buffy cried out.

Suddenly the chanting stopped.  One by one, the worshippers stood up,

"What—what happened? Where are we?" one of the worshippers asked.

"You don't remember anything?  'Amilaki, you're so great'?  Not ringing any bells?" Buffy said as she stared at the worshipper like he was crazy, which he probably was.

"Amilaki? That two-bit hack?  I must have been brainwashed."

"NOOOOOO!!  You horrible girl!  You've ruined me!  RUINED!" 

Buffy turned to see Amilaki flailing in pain.

"I'll never forget! I'll never forget! I'll never forget!" Xander chanted as he held Spike close to him.

Amilaki shriveled up slowly and died with one final drawn out scream.  The portal closed, and the demons disappeared.  The room filled with a bright, blinding light.  

******************************

The Scoobies found themselves in the Magic Box.

Buffy looked around.

"Everyone okay? Oh my God.  Dawn!  Her hair?  Where's Dawn?  DAWN!"

"Coming!" Dawn came out of the bathroom, her hair long and shiny, as usual.  

"I'm so glad we managed to kill that demon," Buffy said.  "It was making all kinds of crazy things happen."

Xander smiled at Spike and gave him a quick kiss.  

"I love a happy ending," Xander said as he and Spike began to snuggle.

"Xander?  Spike?  Still?  But we killed Amilaki!" Buffy cried out, as she saw her friend draped over her vampire.

"I told you what we had was real.  Nyah, nyah," Xander said, sticking out his tongue, which Spike promptly took as an invitation for tonsil hockey.

"But!  Oh, hell.  I have a vibrator, thanks to Willow.  Tara's a lucky girl.  Willow really knows what a girl needs.  Looks like we saved the world from a fate worse than death.  We managed to avoid really bad cliché's and plot lines.  I say we order pizza and watch videos," Buffy said with a smile on her face.

"Capital plan," Giles said as he led the way out of the store.

Xander held his hand out to Spike, who took it.  Hand in hand, they followed the group out.

******************************

Super duper huge thanks to hold_that_thought for being the inspiration for this story, the person who kept me writing, a great beta, and most importantly, for writing all of Spike's bad accent lines.  


End file.
